i never thought i could love anyone... but you

"hello, and welcome back to the internet that you've missed so dearly."

tell me why i feel like ive just woken up from a very very long coma?

something happened. i dont remember exactly what it was, or when exactly it happened, but i lost myself. my voice. my views and opinions, hopes and dreams, desires to achieve and wants to be a real person someday. i lost my reason to live.

and quite frankly i havent found my reason to live yet, but i do know how id like to carry out my journey. and let me tell you its not how i was doing it. i blame imvu. ha. instead of writing and posting and sharing my opinions with everyone i went to go explore others opinions not really staying true to my own. i was, as always, the queen of my castle having others find things out for me and then report back, but it just got boring. now that im trying to have real interpersonal relationships i dont remember what i believe in. and i dont have a release. well, now i do. but then i didnt. now i think ive decided what id like to do. i thought to myself, what are things i enjoy... photoshop, taking photos, making clothes, and doing my own thing. hence the desire to now start my own line of clothing. starting small, tshirts, hats, sweatpants, stuff i can just get my graphixx printed on... then ill move on to making my own clothes AND getting my graphixx printed on, or selling designs to different people. i hope this is what i really want.

this all came about yesterday, when me, nan and dot went to this rti training conference for work. they were yadda-yadda-ing about support groups and forums and i remembered how much i missed that. missed constantly getting information, constantly learning, searching for stories before everyone else knew them. i used to be the one with all the answers and now ive found that im always the one with the questions. or the indifferent one. and i HATE being the indifferent one. i guess it was all a matter of seeing what i didnt want to be and trying to grasp on to what i do want to be. connected. informed. on top of things. educated. undulating. the opposite of, stagnate, stale, idiotic, daft, dead. ive always got so much to say. and never the words to say it. look how much ive typed so far. i needed this. even when i was the queen i was still only fulfilling other peoples needs.

id like to fulfill my own now.